Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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