i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
