Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
