I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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