yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
