I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
