i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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