Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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