I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize