I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
