i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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