the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
