see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
