You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Randomize
