i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
