Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think my fart just growled at me.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
