I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
