ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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