I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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