Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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