my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
