I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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