He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
