Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize