Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
