Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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