so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
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