I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
