Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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