I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
