what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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