Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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