did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
do herpes really smell.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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