I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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