Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
