you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
