Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
