Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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