I wish I could punch you in the face.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
