Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
