His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
