Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
