You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
