I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
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