She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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