Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
