I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize