Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
someone owes me an orgasm
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
