I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
