thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
