We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
