booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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