did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
