Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
