turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
