Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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