I think my vagina is haunted
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
