I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
