why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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