She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Randomize
