I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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