I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
