I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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