Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize