Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
