Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
