Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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