you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
