shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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